Man Utd 'dream' January transfer window involves 13 deals in 13 days and signing three left-backs

Manchester United are going to ram through 13 deals in the next 13 days and this is a A Very Good Thing – a dream, even – rather than a sign of mass panic. Mediawatch wishes it could just be February already.

To sleep, perchance to dream

There has been a marked increase in ‘dream transfer window’ speculation during this particular January transfer window (see Mediawatches passim) and what’s been great about all that noise is that it’s accompanied a January transfer window where, in keeping with almost all January transfer windows, nothing much has actually happened.

But while Mediawatch remains certain that the days ahead will contain even guffier guff, today’s Manchester United dream from the Mirror has set a high bar indeed.

Just look at this absolute sh*t.

Man Utd’s dream end to January transfer window with NINE exits and four signings

Now, it would be no great surprise were there to be some ins and outs at United over the days ahead. There might even be a quantity of activity that could legitimately be described as ‘significant’. But they are not going to push through 13 transfer deals in 13 days, guys.

And even if they were going to do that, we’re really not sure that rushing through 13 transfer deals in the last 13 days of a January transfer window could ever actually count as a ‘dream end’ anyway. A ‘panicked end’ maybe.

But we’re here now, so we might as well see who and what this dream involves.

Manchester United are currently the ‘worst team’ in the club’s history, according to Ruben Amorim – and new signings seem to be only solution. The only issue is that the Red Devils are running out of time to get deals over the line. There’s just a week and a half remaining of the 2025 January transfer window and as it stands, not one new signing has put pen to paper.

Yes, it’s almost like it’s hard to sign good players in January and United probably therefore should not and will not sign four of them in a great big panicky rush.

That could all be about to change over the next few days though. A number of United stars could potentially leave Old Trafford, which could free up vital funds for some new additions.

Any time you see a paragraph where the weasel word ‘could’ appears three times, you can always be certain that what follows is going to be absolutely rock solid.

Let’s start with the NINE exits. We’ll rattle through it, because lord knows you’ve got better things to do even if we haven’t.

Marcus Rashford, Alejandro Garnacho, Antony, Christian Eriksen, Victor Lindelof, Casemiro is a solid enough start. Individually, they all make some kind of sense. Any one of those players leaving United over the next week or two would be no surprise. The trick is the idea that all SIX of them will.

But maths fans will note that SIX is not NINE. Here things take a bit of a turn with the idea of Tyrell Malacia potentially leaving on loan being used to fudge the numbers slightly, before full on p*ss-taking kicks in with further loans for Harry Amass (17 years old, zero first-team appearances for Manchester United) and Dan Gore (20 years old, two first-team appearances for Manchester United) being added because while SEVEN is definitely more than SIX, you cannot deny that NINE is even more than SEVEN.

Unsurprisingly, though, it’s the ‘four signings’ where things really unravel. Because almost nobody ever makes four signings in January, do they? It’s just not really a very good idea. So what have we got?

We going to start at the end here, if you’ll indulge us. Because Mediawatch has the solemn duty of informing you the Mirror, bless their hearts, are still indulging the idea that Manchester United might sign Viktor Gyokeres this month.

You know what? Fine. Let’s just say for the sake of argument that is a thing that could happen. That’s one. What about the other three?

Looking at incomings, it appears the focus could potentially be on the left-back position. Lecce defender Patrick Dorgu appears the most likely to arrive over the coming days and will give added depth.

No problems here. This could absolutely happen.

Should Malacia leave – and Luke Shaw remain restricted to the sidelines – United could opt for another left-sided addition, where Nuno Mendes and Rayan Ait-Nouri have both been considered.

Hmm. Bit more of a stretch to say they might sign two left-backs. But two left-backs plus one Gyokeres still only equals three, doesn’t it.

The Mirror themselves even go on to note that obviously United will not be signing three left-backs.

It seems unlikely that all three will be signed but a couple of additions would not be beyond the realms of possibility.

Transfer expert here. Football clubs only sign three left-backs in 13 days when they are VERY distressed.

However, the mistake here is to only say it’s ‘unlikely’ that all three will be signed. The rest of that sentence makes it clear that this is underselling it, but the headline writer has seen ‘unlikely’ and deduced that doesn’t mean impossible.

And thus you have it. Three left-backs and a Viktor Gyokeres it is. There’s your four signings.

Can it please just be February soon.

Eight ball

Meanwhile, at the Mail:

Paul Scholes names the EIGHT Man United players he would sell – as the Red Devils legend delivers a brutal assessment of the current roster

Bit embarrassing. Has Scholesy not heard of Harry Amass or something?

Learning experience

Mediawatch has plenty of sympathy with the poor Daily Star hack charged with trying to find five things Arne Slot ‘learned’ about his Liverpool squad during a low-key victory over Lille. One might reasonably argue that there aren’t really five things for the Liverpool manager to learn about his players from such an outing.

You get the sense that five was a lot of things to find for Slot to learn when the first one is ‘Salah is the best even on an off day’ which is an entirely fair point – we even made it here on these hallowed pages, look – but crucially we don’t think it’s something Arne Slot learned only yesterday.

But it is at least something that Slot could in theory have learned only yesterday, however unlikely a suggestion that may appear.

Because from here the entire pretence that these are things ‘learned’ by the manager is just quietly dropped altogether.

Number two:

Allowed Curtis Jones to prove himself

That’s… that’s something Slot did, isn’t it? Not something he learned. Maybe more luck with number three.

Let Nunez build momentum

Sure, Slot did that by picking the man who scored those late goals at Brentford. But he didn’t learn it, did he? He did it. These are not interchangeable concepts.

Didn’t underestimate Lille

At least we’ve moved on from things he did do to things he didn’t.

Remained calm in a tense situation

And now we’re back with things he did amid the brief yet terrifying tension of the prospect of Liverpool only having 19 rather than 21 points after seven Champions League group games.

Acewatch

Bit of fun for veteran Mediawatch readers here with the latest triumphant return of Acewatch. From The Sun:

Forgotten Premier League star, 47, now working as fitness coach subbed on as STRIKER for non-league Wealdstone

The forgotten Premier League star in question is described as an ‘ace’ not once but twice in the few short paragraphs that follow.

The ace reinvented himself as a strength and conditioning expert, training the likes of Andy Cole and Jermaine Jenas.

And…

Unfortunately for the ace, he was unable to make an impact as Wealdstone crashed out by a single goal.

He’s also described as having enjoyed ‘a glittering career playing up front for the likes of Watford, Coventry and Leeds’ which is itself quite a concept.

Now Mediawatch cannot stress enough we intend no mockery here of Wayne Andrews – for it is he, as we’re sure you’ve all guessed by now. Any kind of professional football career is one to be proud of and something a vanishingly small number of people achieve.

But there’s only so much egg a pudding can stand. A man who made nine substitute appearances for a relegated Crystal Palace side is not a ‘forgotten’ Premier League star; he is one nobody ever really knew…

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