Spurs 'could' sign Palmer before raiding Real Madrid, Barcelona with only three players surviving

Spurs are definitely about to sign stars from Chelsea, Bayern Munich, Real Madrid and Barcelona while keeping Djed Spence and his penitentiary at left-back.

Thomas Frank will enjoy spending that £1.2bn so much he forgets to sign a new goalkeeper and left-back.

There are also updates on Kobbie Mainoo, but also not really.

Spurred on

Mediawatch does not wish to go too far into the weeds on the reported world-record takeover bid of Spurs splashed on the back page of The Sun.

Of course it is fronted by a ‘US TECH BRO’. Of course it would provide a £1.2billion ‘player budget’ from the start of the January transfer window. Of course it’s actually all about Harry Kane.

And Martin Lipton is a renowned journalist with authority so it cannot be immediately dismissed out of hand, although the well-connected Alasdair Gold of football.london says ‘no bid’ has been made and the owners have reiterated that Spurs is ‘still not for sale’, a line echoed by Matt Verri in the London Evening Standard.

It is certainly newsworthy and not immediately obvious nonsense – at least not provably so.

The same cannot be said for this follow-up effort from The Sun website:

‘How Tottenham team could look after £4.5bn takeover and huge transfer spree with Cole Palmer and Harry Kane’

Spurs are undeniably ‘in a healthy position with PSR’ even before a takeover. But it will need explaining quite how they will be able to afford Palmer, Kane, Reece James, Marc Guehi, Frenkie de bloody Jong and Vinicius sodding Jr.

That £1.2bn “player budget” which Lipton says will be ‘set aside’ from January onwards has to go towards ‘wages, fees and agent payments’. That math ain’t mathing.

And look, sure, Spurs ‘could decide to take advantage of’ Guehi’s situation. That is entirely feasible. But in what world are Chelsea selling them both James and Palmer? Why are Barcelona offloading regular starter De Jong? How is Vinicius ‘out of favour’ at Real when he has started five games this season and trails only Kylian Mbappe for goals and assists?

The word ‘could’ is used 17 times in the story, summed up by a line about how Vinicius ‘could fancy trying his luck in England while also retaining his massive pay package’ without any real explanation as to why he would leave the biggest club in world football.

But the best bit is probably Spurs signing crucial players from Chelsea, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Bayern Munich in a £1.2bn transfer spree, but still ending up with Guglielmo Vicario, Djed Spence and Pape Matar Sarr in the starting line-up.

If you’re going to go all out and completely suspend disbelief then you might as well do it properly.

Mind you, fair play for resisting the usual ‘How [x team] could look…’ trap of just chucking a load of Thomas Frank’s old Brentford players in there, supplying long throw-ins for Cole Palmer to flick on to Vinicius Junior.

That’s gotta be Kane

The accompanying story from Lipton focuses on Kane specifically, namely how ‘Bayern chiefs admit they are powerless to stop’ the striker returning to Spurs ‘- if he wants to’.

That last part is fairly important. Kane has scored 98 goals in 103 games for Bayern, breaking his personal trophy duck, playing regularly in the Champions League and furthering his career with England.

Spurs might have to replace Vicario to convince Kane it is worth coming back and that is something they are clearly unwilling to do even in a ludicrous alternate universe.

And that does sound weirdly desperate from Bayern. They’ve said they’re ‘powerless to stop’ a player leaving, have they? This is the same club which refuses to accept any instance of a German player moving elsewhere and spends months publicly ejecting toys from prams if it ever happens?

The quotes come from Max Eberl saying Kane is “old enough to make his own decisions”, Vincent Kompany saying “the last thing I want to do is open the door to another discussion,” and both underlining how brilliant and important he is.

There is indeed a break clause in his Bayern deal but also, as Lipton writes, Kane ‘has done nothing to suggest he wants to leave’ while he is thriving.

READ MORE: Harry Kane is £56.7m no-brainer; he has always been only one rung below Messi

The rain in Spain

It is a bit weird they didn’t chuck a Manchester United name in there. Kobbie Mainoo is a prime example of someone Spurs could actually theoretically sign with all the money.

But another update on The Sun website suggests his future lies elsewhere.

‘Man Utd files: Mainoo learning Spanish following Amorim transfer veto as Mbeumo braces himself for Brentford backlash’

It is lovely to see Samuel Luckhurst land on his feet after leaving the Manchester Evening News, but it seems a bit harsh to stitch him up with headlines already.

‘Mainoo learning Spanish following Amorim transfer veto’ is complete bumwash, you see. As Luckhurst himself writes, ‘Mainoo started learning Spanish while he was out two years ago,’ long before Amorim even came into the equation.

The player himself said he “started Spanish lessons on Zoom just to pass the time a bit” back in May 2024. It’s not exactly a por favor ven por mí to Real Madrid.

Main man

The hopeful implication in that headline is clearly that Mainoo is preparing to move to Spain. Yet elsewhere on The Sun website we are given a ‘major hint Kobbie Mainoo still has Man Utd future ahead of Brentford clash’.

The ‘major hint’ that Manchester United midfielder Kobbie Mainoo, who has played in four of a possible six Manchester United games so far this season, still has a Manchester United future?

He is ‘being put through intense training sessions’ and Amorim is working on the defensive side of his game.

It’s a ‘major hint’ that Casemiro is suspended, Manuel Ugarte isn’t very good and Mainoo does indeed play for Manchester United.

Weird clickbait of the day

‘Man Utd icon lifts lid on alcohol addiction – ‘I’d be dead if not for Coleen” – Daily Mirror website.

Who could the ‘Man Utd icon’ be? It’s a real mystery.

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