England: Thomas Tuchel is on a hiding to nothing

So here it is, the start of yet another era for England. This one is more unusual in that we know it will end in 18 months, unless we win the World Cup (which remains unlikely except in the minds of those suffering from nationality bias).

This presents a bit of a problem for the notorious and widely mocked, pathetic English press, already looked upon with disdain by Thomas Tuchel in answering the inevitable question about the captaincy from the usual self-feeding, clammy, sports news pigs.

Given the tenure is already defined, it robs them of the sack calls in faux-moral outrage that is one of their defaults after a poor performance. But even so, I don’t suppose it will stop them. They’re nothing if not predictable. England are never as good as these peculiar pigs knowingly pretend they are; it is simply better to decry them from a very high horse.

If you are young enough to think this is a modern condition, it isn’t. It’s been passed down the grubby press for 50 years or more. And it’s exhausting because you know how it’s going to go. Even those who have built up Tuchel have only done so to knock him down and make composite pictures of him in leather shorts under xenophobic headlines.

But this sh*te sells. There is always an audience for it. If England are not free flowing and beating everyone 4-0, it’ll be because the ones that have not been picked should have been picked and the ones that were picked obviously should not have been. It’s already started. Look at the cynicism about him.

It doesn’t seem to occur to anybody that there is never any proof that the choices not taken would have led to more success, so can never be accurately judged, which is why shouting such opinions is so popular for those who don’t ever want to be proved wrong.

(To be fair, he did name a very curious squad – Ed)

It won’t be long before the ‘he’s supposed to be one of the best, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing’ comments start. Like there’s a league table of managerial talent and you just pick the one in the highest position, didn’t you know? Gareth Southgate proved the folly of that apparent notion.

It’s obviously not that simple; many other elements – some nothing even to do with football – come into play. But when it comes to England, the nuance of thought is abandoned and replaced by shouting ’why doesn’t he just play ?’ like it’s obvious and the manager just hasn’t thought about it.

It’s called ‘the impossible job’ because some of the press and public make it so. It never lets up. It’s never good enough for England critics. I’ve come to the conclusion that even if we won the World Cup, it still would not be won in a good enough way. With England, I think it’s a free hit for some. Want to be right and look clever? Here’s an inadequate England for you to prove your expertise.

For those searching for approval for their football knowledge, we’ve created the perfect national side. Players that are regularly lavished with praise by broadcasters seeking to sell their coverage of the league as a big super duper best-in-the-world-so-pay thing, have been established in some minds as better than they are, disregarding the context within which they play.

Then they all come together and play worse than imagined, all their faults exposed as well as their qualities. It must be true because the majority of England’s games are disappointing one way or another. It’s not a blip.

Tuchel, unless he transforms England into consistent world-beaters, which seems unlikely, is on a hiding to nothing. Although he’ll have seen the sports news pigs snouting up close before, the febrile England attack dogs are something else, even less rational. This early period will be largely positive, with seeds of discontent about selections, where he lives, how he works, then tactics deployed being sown, ready to bloom in 12 months, when they will begin to eviscerate him and some will call for one of their mates to step in and take to them to the tournament.

How can he fail with the players at his disposal? The negativity is easy and endless. The critics pathway is thus: he picks someone I don’t like, he’s paid too much, is unimaginative, picks players from a club I don’t like, hasn’t picked someone I like for some nefarious reason, has big ideas, is German. It’s all already there with the ‘he’s going to be sh*t, isn’t he?’ brigade. Just like they were with Gareth and they had to keep refining the negativity as he kept proving them wrong until we outperformed ourselves, or got lucky, or any of football’s ornery variables and arrived at an ‘undeserving’ final.

This is all predicated on the brilliance of the players, whoever you put your faith in. And that’s the first mistake. They’re good for their clubs, but put them all together without the support of the world’s footballing talent, they’re inconsistent. You can’t argue that they’re not; they’ve shown us their true nature for decades and it’s always the same. The rest is just marketing by vested interests.

It’s always said it’s the manager’s fault, to excuse the players, but that’s delusion. Imagine having 15 full-time managers over 51 years and every single one is the wrong man at the wrong time. It’s not credible. We always have a puncher’s chance, same as anyone, of course we do, but Tuchel will be the latest to be a victim of the players and the press in an unholy alliance. Put your money on it.

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