Will Jude Bellingham tell Thomas Tuchel to 'stick it up his b***ocks'?

We have been here before but I am afraid that we will have to go there again when bombastic headlines like ‘What is Thomas Tuchel trying to achieve with this Jude Bellingham circus?’ are appearing in the Daily Telegraph.

Couple of things:

a) You absolutely know what he was ‘trying to achieve’ by leaving him out of the squad and b) it’s only a ‘circus’ because the media is utterly obsessed.

We will go through it again for the hard of hearing. The England manager said this:

“For credibility, as a coach, you need to walk the talk. If this really meant something, the thing that I told the players after the game, and you, this is a very straightforward and logical decision.

“I didn’t want to leave anyone out who was in the last camp. What would be my explanation to leave them out and also be authentic in my words? After the Serbia match, I went into the dressing room and I told them what I told you.

“Imagine I have a phone call this time and leave four players out, and say, ‘Now I take A,B,C and D, and not you’ — what would you think as a player?

“’Didn’t you tell me that was exactly how you wanted it, and now I’m out?’ Would you not think that? I think, as a player you would.”

He then said it was “very likely” that he would not have picked Bukayo Saka for this squad, but an injury to Noni Madueke created an opening. Presumably then, an injury to Morgan Rogers may also have created an opening for Bellingham. It did not so here we all are, collectively losing our f***ing minds.

Last week Tuchel was said by Jason Burt to be playing a ‘dangerous’ game by criticising the England fans. That furore lasted barely a morning so this week he is back to Bellingham.

Now it is conceivable that Tuchel will not, if he is true to his word, even select Bellingham for the next squad – the final two qualifiers, which will be dead rubbers against Serbia and Albania, next month.

If he does not then we know there is a serious problem. And if he does then Tuchel will have to accept that he has sharpened the focus on Bellingham even more. Those games would almost feel meaningless beyond the issue of whether there is a problem between the pair, how Bellingham reacts on the pitch, and what it all amounts to.

Lovely to already be lining up the next international break as Bellingham Week. Never mind the battle for all of the other places in the England squad; let’s all spend all of our time talking about a player who has – and this seems important – played 126 minutes of football this season.

Not selecting Bellingham has been interpreted as Tuchel laying down the law, exerting his authority by cutting down one of the tallest poppies. The manager appears to have been influenced by his time at Paris St-Germain, where big egos became an even bigger problem in the dressing room and hurt him.

It has been ‘interpreted’ that way because you are not listening to him: He literally said that it was “very likely” that he would have left out Saka from this England squad too. Would anybody be claiming that decision was about ‘tallest poppies’ and ‘big egos’?

If there is an issue with Bellingham then Tuchel would arguably have been better off having him as part of his squad, not necessarily in the team, and making sure he is in his plans to see how he reacts.

Because that would have definitely stalled the ‘circus’, wouldn’t it? Calling him up and leaving him on the bench would have merited nary a mention, right?

Realistically, the only option Tuchel had to prevent this media explosion would have been picking Bellingham and playing Bellingham, thus dropping a player who excelled v Serbia. And then the narrative would have switched to ‘Why is Tuchel bowing to the big names?’. Ever get the feeling that it’s impossible to win as England manager?

There has to be concern over where all this leaves a young man, still just 22, who has only just recovered from shoulder surgery. His role in the Real Madrid team has been questioned by the Spanish media, and his every move, on and off the pitch, is scrutinised. His omission from the Real Madrid calendar for 2026 is also now a story, and he is dealing with reports that his parents have separated.

Was there no point when writing that paragraph that Burt thought ‘wait a minute, he has just recovered from shoulder surgery and his role at Real Madrid has been questioned, and his parents have separated, so maybe all that has contributed to him not being in the best place to sit on the bench for England’? Or is that too logical?

Bellingham’s role with Real Madrid has been questioned because the solitary game he has started this season was a 5-2 defeat to Atletico Madrid. Has his form this season demanded that Tuchel change what he described as a “logical and straightforward decision”? Has it balls.

Over at the Daily Mail: ‘Thomas Tuchel refuses to guarantee Jude Bellingham return to England’s leadership group and warns one star not to waste his potential.’

‘Refuses to guarantee’? He was asked if Jude Bellingham would be in his leadership group if and when he returns to the squad and Tuchel said “I guess so”. No wonder the man is losing his mind over this ‘circus’; that was a perfectly normal response and it’s been spun into nonsense.

Oliver Holt – who exposed the ‘dark side’ of Bellingham Snr last month – has an idea to ‘turn Jude Bellingham into the leader he (Tuchel) needs’.

My view is not that Bellingham has to play but that, if Tuchel is the coach we need him to be, then he will use the next nine months to build the best possible version of Bellingham and rehabilitate him so that he is not just an individual talent but a leader of men.

Roy Keane, in his prime, could often cut an uncompromising figure who demanded the highest of standards from team-mates and yet he was the best leader I have ever seen in the English game.

The difference is that I never saw Keane scream ‘Who Else’ after he scored a goal. The difference is Keane exhorted team-mates to reach higher standards rather than scorning them for not being as good as he was.

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