How England’s pre-Ashes bravado typically comes undone in Australia

Stuart Broad is an effective agent provocateur because he jabs at real sore points. Broad launched the phoney Ashes war last month when he said this was England’s best Ashes team since it trampled all over Australia in 2010-11 and Australia’s worst since then. It’s true that the runes read so surprisingly well for England that even Josh Hazlewood was moved to pay a compliment to their batting, and ominously poorly for a conspicuously unsettled Australia.

All the signs except one. For all their boldness, bluster and bravado entering this and previous tours, England find it diabolically hard to win in Australia. Hard to win a series, hard to win even one Test in a series.

The exception that proves the rule is the maverick rubber of 2010-11. Daniel Brettig noted in these pages recently that Australia then was riven by destructive undercurrents and was so panicked at selection that it thought a left-arm spinner with a 40-plus average would spook Kevin Pietersen – he did not.

Excluding that series, England have won only one other Test match in Australia this century. That was a dead rubber in Sydney in 2003 when Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath were both invalided out of the Australian team. Four years later, as Australia romped towards a whitewash, rueful England captain Andrew Strauss reflected on his team’s high-flown pre-series ambition and said plaintively: “We just want to win a game in Australia.” They didn’t.

It’s true that home ground advantage is more pronounced in Test cricket that in almost any other sport, and that that edge has become more acute than ever this century. It’s also true that Australia is on a par with India as a place where cricket dreams go to die.

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Australia have not won a Test series outright in England since 2001, but they have won at least one match on every visit except one in that time.

In contrast. England have won six Tests in total in their past nine tours of Australia, dating back to 1990. Three were in 2010-11, the other three were dead rubbers in the sense the Ashes were out of reach at the time. Five times they have been blanked, twice whitewashed.

Even more to the point, England have not won the first Test of an Ashes series in Australia since 1986. That was on the back of the last century Ian Botham scored in Test cricket. During the first Test of this series, Botham will turn 70. It’s veritably an age ago.

It hasn’t even been close: two draws aside, the narrowest margin has been 184 runs. Best-laid plans notwithstanding, the unravelling often begins at the start.

Once, Michael Slater hit the first ball of a series for four and Australia led the series from post to post. Another time, classy England seamer Simon Jones did his ACL on the first morning of the series at the Gabba. By day’s end, Australia were 2-364 and you know the rest.

Then there was the time poor old Steve Harmison bowled the first ball of the series – straight to second slip. Six hours later, Australia were 3-346. Whitewash ensued.

Last time here, England’s Rory Burns was bowled by the first ball of the series and the tone was set again.

Sometimes, the portents prove false – on the first day of what became Australia’s humiliation in 2010-11, Peter Siddle took a hat-trick – and winning the first Test is not everything, but instances of Ashes series won from behind are vanishingly few.

Once behind in Australia, England typically find that dwindling form, injury, sometime internal unrest, falling morale, homesickness, even fright conspire against them and soon enough they are limping home with their tail between their legs again.

Not surprisingly, England’s dearth in Australia is reflected in individual accounts. Joe Root has made more Test runs than any man in history except Sachin Tendulkar, but has never made a century in Australia, nor has he played in a winning Test team here.

Jimmy Anderson is England’s all-time leading wicket-taker and third overall, but in Australia he took only one five-wicket haul and averaged an unremarkable 34. The mischievous Broad terrorised Australia in England, but in Australia also averaged 34.

In only his second Test, England captain Ben Stokes made a memorable century in Perth, but has not made one in Australia since.

To an extent, the infrequency that creates such anticipation about Ashes series also distorts understandings and appreciations; Stokes has played only nine Test matches here. But the moral is clear: England chronically underperform in Australia.

It’s not that Australia are invincible at home. New Zealand won a Test match here this century – off-shore, admittedly, in Hobart – South Africa won three successive series here and India won two series in a row. Even the enfeebled West Indies won a Test match here, moreover at the once impregnable Gabba.

In all, Australia have lost 18 matches at home this century, spread across all grounds. It’s possible, but evidently not for England.

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