Parochialism or just vibes? How to pick a team to cheer for in the AFL grand final

The AFL grand final is here, and 16 fanbases are out in the cold once again. The Brisbane Lions are looking to go back-to-back, the Geelong Cats are looking to stop them, and an army of neutral, casual and undecided fans face the eternal question: which of these two teams do I dislike less?

There’s no overwhelming sentimental favourite in this year’s decider. Brisbane and Geelong are two of the premier teams of the last five years. Whoever wins, no historic title drought will break. So how does an AFL bandwagoner pick a band to wagon? It might come down to regional parochialism, to recognition of dominance, or to simple vibes.

Geelong Cats

As a football club, Geelong’s pedigree is undeniable. The 166-year-old club has a storied history, as much a part of Victoria’s second city as the Eldritch-horror bollards that dot its waterfront.

Perhaps due to their regional roots, Geelong don’t quite inspire the same loathing as some of the more divisive Melbourne-based teams (hello, Collingwood). Captained by the delightfully-named Patrick Dangerfield and with a logo that resembles a children’s-book villain, it’s hard to truly hate a team that feels, at least in part, like it fell out of an Enid Blyton novel.

Which isn’t to say that the Cats should be underestimated. They have been a perennial contender for the past 20 years, missing the finals only three times since 2005. Despite losing star defender Tom Stewart to a head injury in their victory over Hawthorn on Friday, and going up against the defending premiers, Geelong enter the grand final as favourites. They’re only three years removed from their last premiership and emphatically put Brisbane in their place in week one of the finals. If any team can keep the Lions from going back-to-back, the Cats can.

Geelong also have one of the more colourful fans of any sporting franchise anywhere: Troy West, aka Catman, whose full-body cat getups are either laudably committed or existentially horrifying, depending on your outlook on life.

Barrack for if: You think Halle Berry’s Catwoman was criminally underrated.

Barrack against if: You can’t get the expressions on those bollards out of your head.

Brisbane Lions

There was no guarantee that an AFL team would survive long-term in Australia’s most rugby league-mad city, but since forcibly relocating from Fitzroy in 1997, the Lions rapidly established themselves as a fierce, aggressive outfit more than capable of holding their own. Three premierships from 2001 to 2003 set the Lions up for enduring success and made them a source of pride in Brisbane, rather than the affectionate embarrassment their predecessors, the Bears, inspired.

After a drought of more than 20 years, including a torrid near-decade at the wrong end of the ladder, the Lions nabbed their fourth premiership in their Brisbane incarnation last year. Sunday will be their third grand final appearance in a row, and their bruising wins over the Gold Coast and Collingwood to claw their way back into finals contention suggest they’re up for the contest. Backing the reigning premiers to win again isn’t exactly a bold choice, but Brisbane’s eternal outsider status – and dogged excellence in spite of it – mean they win a grudging respect from plenty of neutrals.

A note of caution for would-be bandwagoners who don’t hail from the Sunshine State: if the Lions win, and their cross-code counterparts the Brisbane Broncos win the NRL grand final in two weekends’ time, the level of Queensland-supremacist chauvinism on display may genuinely lead to secession. At the very least, it’ll be extremely annoying.

Barrack for if: You’re a non-Victorian.

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